| Dec. 6th, 2009 @ 11:57 am Silly Season |
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Current Mood:  anxious
Exams, Holidays, Family, Friends, and Snow. We just had our first real snow of the year last night and this morning the branches are still releasing showers of big fluffy flakes out into the sunshine. It's the perfect kind of snow for being the first of the year. I have so much still to do to tie up my school obligations, and only a little time left to do it in. I've been fighting on and off with the depression, getting through the funk in fits and bursts. It helps that I have things to look forward to. My RA is going well, the prof I am working for is really very pleased with my work. I have possibilities for next semester, too. Maybe another half RA. A possible internship. A possible project that could lead to a nice paper opportunity. The last one would even give me a chance to travel a bit, and that, unfortunately turned into whole mess of stuff when I mentioned it to Joe. We've had this ongoing conflict thing regarding my desire to do significant amounts of travel and his discomfort with the idea of me being gone for long stretches of time. It's all been theoretical until now, a vague desire/goal on my part and insecurity? anxiousness? distress? on his. Well, this project might actually turn into something, and, since my finding out about it followed my turning him down on a trip to Costa Rica due to cost, it turned into a bit of a fight. We compromised, I kinda agreed to the CR trip even though I still don't think I should be spending that kind of money on vacation while I am living off loans. He's chipping in for part of the trip but it's still going to be spendy. Maybe I can work in some research while I am there, or something. Ugg. Anyway. For now it's resolved, at least, until the next time I have an opportunity to travel for school, or if I take a job that requires me to travel. (Which I think would be lovely, but, again, makes him anxious.) I have this knot in my stomach about the whole thing. I don't want to be in the position of choosing between the possibility of travel and my relationship with him but I am terrified that I will be put in that position. I know if it happens there is no positive outcome, either we both end up disappointed part ways and do our own thing, or I end up making a compromise I don't feel good about and feel resentful about the whole thing and that almost certainly ends up being worse in the long run. Who knows, maybe these opportunities never come to fruition, but if they do I don't think I can really give them up without it affecting me in a negative way. I wish this wasn't such a sore point. Ideally, if he was ok with the idea me travelling alot it would be perfect. I would always have someplace and someone to look forward to coming home to, and maybe we could travel together some, too. Or if I was on location for a long time he could visit. There is just so much of the world I want to see and explore.
This has been weighing on me. Sorry about the tangent. |
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