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Here we go again
Feb. 10th, 2010 @ 11:45 am Dear life,
Today's Rablings
Current Mood: confusedconcerned
Please, please, please, please, please stop dropping the bottom out on me. It's just not fun anymore.
Feb. 7th, 2010 @ 06:07 pm Dear Joy,
Today's Rablings
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
You NEED to get better at time management. This whole wasting large parts of the day on nonsense when you have places to be and things to do is really going to bite you in the ass soon. Again. Please, please, please when you set goals and priorities for yourself stick with them. Don't keep getting distracted by things that aren't really important. It's not fair to you, and it certainly isn't fair to the important people and things that get put off or missed while you are caught up in la la land. Yes it's important to make time to unwind, and decompress, but that isn't what you've been doing. What you've been doing is making more stress for yourself, and falling into old bad habits. It's time to grow up and actively participate in how you spend your time, instead of letting the non choices you are making make important choices for you.

Jan. 31st, 2010 @ 10:45 am Dear Brain,
Today's Rablings
Current Mood: aggravatedirked
Please stop playing these games with me. I have lots to do and very little time to deal with your non-sense. Just work the way you are supposed to and let me handle the rest and we'll get along just fine.

Jan. 16th, 2010 @ 12:57 pm Written on the airplane on the way home Jan 13th
Today's Rablings
Current Mood: calmcalm
These days I find that returning to the area I grew up in triggers an odd sort of nostalgia. I am able to see a much more positive picture of my youth than I ever did while I was experiencing it. Family, friends, and the unique comforts of home open up and enfold me with the ease of familiar habits and long established rituals. I find myself on the roads I drove when I was still learning how, walking halls I took my first steps down, and seeking out faces that would know mine no matter how much time has passed. My grandmother's studio still smells like sunshine, woodsmoke, and the dust of dried watercolor paint and pastels. There wasn't a single day that didn't start with at least one dog worming her way down the blankets and snuggling up next to me in bed. This was, in fact, a perfect visit.

I am glad to find myself headed back to Boston, however. Despite all the comforts of being home there is nothing in my past that holds a candle to my present. I passed up plenty of opportunities when I lived in Wisconsin, and even earlier in Michigan. None of them would have led to where I'm at now. While there are certain people and things I'll probably never be able to look back on without a twinge of regret and a small pause to consider “what if” the things I gave up along the way don't even begin to compare to the opportunities I have now. Ultimately, being home really made me take stock of what I've gained in the past year and a half and appreciate just how much the impulse to set out to parts unknown and really take charge of my own life has paid off. The first semester of school was an adventure I am looking forward to continuing in just a week here. I'm excited about the projects I'm working on and the chances I've had for learning beyond the classroom. The ups and downs I had as far as employment when I first moved have forced me to become more assertive and independent. I'm right in the thick of so much of what is happening politically, culturally, ect... and yet, not so buried in it that I can't escape when it suits me. And there is Joe.

He's been a fantastic support for me. Calm when I am frantic, steady when my world is falling apart, sweet when I least expect it and insightful in ways I couldn't possibly imagine. His Christmas gift for me this year was a wacom tablet. I had no clue. It was, is, such a personally meaningful gift and one that shows an awareness of who I am and what is important to me that extends beyond who I have been during our time together. There is just so much there that even when I come face to face with my what ifs I know, without question, I've made the right choices and been true to myself in ways I didn't understand at the time.

I stayed busy while I was home. Four cities and two states later I've seen almost everyone I was hoping to see and had a lovely time. It was a nice way to grow just a little bit older and close out the holidays.

Love you all.

Dec. 25th, 2009 @ 11:04 am Happy Yule!
Today's Rablings
Merry Festivus! Happy solstice! And all that jazz.
Dec. 6th, 2009 @ 11:57 am Silly Season
Today's Rablings
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Exams, Holidays, Family, Friends, and Snow. We just had our first real snow of the year last night and this morning the branches are still releasing showers of big fluffy flakes out into the sunshine. It's the perfect kind of snow for being the first of the year. I have so much still to do to tie up my school obligations, and only a little time left to do it in. I've been fighting on and off with the depression, getting through the funk in fits and bursts. It helps that I have things to look forward to. My RA is going well, the prof I am working for is really very pleased with my work. I have possibilities for next semester, too. Maybe another half RA. A possible internship. A possible project that could lead to a nice paper opportunity. The last one would even give me a chance to travel a bit, and that, unfortunately turned into whole mess of stuff when I mentioned it to Joe. We've had this ongoing conflict thing regarding my desire to do significant amounts of travel and his discomfort with the idea of me being gone for long stretches of time. It's all been theoretical until now, a vague desire/goal on my part and insecurity? anxiousness? distress? on his. Well, this project might actually turn into something, and, since my finding out about it followed my turning him down on a trip to Costa Rica due to cost, it turned into a bit of a fight. We compromised, I kinda agreed to the CR trip even though I still don't think I should be spending that kind of money on vacation while I am living off loans. He's chipping in for part of the trip but it's still going to be spendy. Maybe I can work in some research while I am there, or something. Ugg. Anyway. For now it's resolved, at least, until the next time I have an opportunity to travel for school, or if I take a job that requires me to travel. (Which I think would be lovely, but, again, makes him anxious.) I have this knot in my stomach about the whole thing. I don't want to be in the position of choosing between the possibility of travel and my relationship with him but I am terrified that I will be put in that position. I know if it happens there is no positive outcome, either we both end up disappointed part ways and do our own thing, or I end up making a compromise I don't feel good about and feel resentful about the whole thing and that almost certainly ends up being worse in the long run. Who knows, maybe these opportunities never come to fruition, but if they do I don't think I can really give them up without it affecting me in a negative way. I wish this wasn't such a sore point. Ideally, if he was ok with the idea me travelling alot it would be perfect. I would always have someplace and someone to look forward to coming home to, and maybe we could travel together some, too. Or if I was on location for a long time he could visit. There is just so much of the world I want to see and explore.

This has been weighing on me. Sorry about the tangent.
Nov. 9th, 2009 @ 10:59 am Getting Back on Track
Today's Rablings
Turns out I wasn't nearly as far behind as I had convinced myself I was. I wonder how many times I pulled this sort of a mind game on myself as an undergrad, or even earlier, and didn't recover?
Nov. 8th, 2009 @ 10:41 am Slump
Today's Rablings
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Suffering from the mid semester slow down. There are some essential things that I absolutely have to accomplish that I find myself excuses to put off. It's getting a little rediculous. I know the solution, get myself back on a schedule, designate time for responsible stuff, it will all fall into place.

I may make an appointment at the counseling center, see if I can find someone whose good at goal setting and follow through to help me out. Maybe a study buddy is in order.

I'm back to double checking whether or not my presence is wanted every time Joe invites me to something. I can't seem to help myself. He's not very pleased about it, I suppose that is understandable.

This lack of focus is really frustrating me. I spent the last two days accomplishing jack-all from my to-do list.

Getting angry at myself doesn't help. I just end up spinning my wheels more.

What a waste of a post. I need to head out nowish though.
Oct. 2nd, 2009 @ 07:50 am NPR snuck into my heart years ago...
Today's Rablings
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
...and made it into my wallet this morning. Not the first time either. Highlights of the encounter include whispered promises of This American Life on DVD, honest to goodness news, and a snippet of song from a burgeoning young artist that made me long for passionate expressions of love wound so tight it's ready to burst. It is one thing to know that one is loved, another to have overwhelming passion expressed in a moment.


I think maybe I am getting old.
Sep. 24th, 2009 @ 12:11 pm Little Update
Today's Rablings
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
This year has flown by so quickly. Everything seems to have sped up since I moved out East. I'm back in school now. Taking classes full time towards a master's degree in regional, social, and economic development and working on campus as a research assistant. I am also holding down a part time job, third shift home security operator on the weekends. The nighttime hours are playing havoc with my sleep schedule just as much as everyone said they would. I am holding in there, though. I've been able to stay on top of home work by doing most of my reading for class at work.

The weather has been lovely this fall. I seem to engage in different sorts of outdoor activities here than I did in Wisconsin. Last Sunday a friend and I took a canoe out on the Concord River. It was so peaceful, and chaotic, mostly chaotic because we had trouble avoiding low hanging branches and the banks. We need practice, it seems. I'm more than happy to spend more time out on the water though.

I don't have as much to say as I thought I did. My classes are interesting, and I may write more later.